THE GAY JOKES THREAD

[geordieboi]

[glow=blue,2,300]Come on then, let's hear 'em...[/glow]

[geordieboi]

Two gay blokes walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.

One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and shags him for six hours non-stop.

When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.

Next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"

"AM I HURT?", he shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't written ..."

[combatmikieuk]

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"

The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,' because 'It really Satisfies."

The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"

The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job 1.' " Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret.' Now give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"

The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

[combatmikieuk]

OK another joke sorry.

'Twas da night befo' Christmas and all in the hood, Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good.
The tube socks was hung on the window sill and we all had smiles up on our grill.
Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib in the back bedroom, cuz that's how we live.
And Moms in her do-rag and me with my nine, had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine.

All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by, Bumpin' phat beats cuz the system's fly.
I bounced to the window at a quarter pas' 'Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody's ass!
well anyway....

I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this! She said, Stop frontin' & just mind yo' bidness.
I said, for real doe, come check dis out.

We weren't even buggin', no worries, no doubt. Cuz bumpin' an thumpin' from around da way
Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh.

Da beats was kickin', da ride was phat I said, "Yo red Dawg, you all that!"
He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz, "Ay yo, give it up, let's make some noise!"
To the top of the projects & across the strip mall, We gots ta go, I got a booty call!"

He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof, and sippin' on a 40, he busted a move.

I yelled up to Santa, "Yo ain't got no stack!" he said, "Damn homie, deese projects is wack!
But don't worry black, cuz I gots da skillz
I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz."
Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings a credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin.
He slid down the fire exscape smoove as a cat, and busted the window wit' a b-ball bat.

I said, "Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?"
he said,"You best get on up out my face!"
His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold,
His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old.

He dropped down the duffle, Bulls logo on the side.
Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide.
A wink of his eye and a shine off his gold toof,
He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof
He jumped in his hooptie wit' rims made of chrome,
To tap that big booty waitin' at home.

And all I heard as he cruised outta sight, was a loud and hearty.....
"WEEESST SIIIIDE!!!!!!!"

[combatmikieuk]

[glow=red,2,300][/glow]'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To [e-mail] -

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way

From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums (ahem - pardon me)
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! Now, CLARIS! Now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,

As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night. [glow=red,2,300][/glow]

[combatmikieuk]

;D
OK another really cheesy joke

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the f*ck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

[combatmikieuk]

Q. What's the best way to catch a unique rabbit?
A. You 'nique up on him. .

Q. How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A. Tame way, unique up on it.

[combatmikieuk]

Right serious time again

Stop reading the jokes and start posting!!!

[xscottyx]

What did the fisk say when it swam into a wall?



Dam!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[xscottyx]

Oops ^ fish^ soz

[badpup]

ohh joke!!!
The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers:
"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the Fuckin' tray up, b!tch

[opheliab]

TRAZY POO
PITTY PAT
BRUTE ENGINES

my my badpup you know how to amp up a joke.
mmmmmm..how butch.

[opheliab]

oops... "amp "of course should be Camp

[ab]

hello dearies, just a little one which always tickles me (!!??!!) when i think of it!

a queen pops into the local deli and peruses the meat counter while pushing their index finger to their lips obviously pondering what to select.

the deli master (or whatever they are called lol) waits patiently for about 5 mins for the queen to make their mind up about what they would like to order. eventually the deli master asks if he can help the queen to make a selection.

the queen jumps at the opportunity to take the deli masters help and blurts out "Ooh yes dear, im looking for something really hot & meaty that will fill a little hole later on this evening!"

the deli master looks around his selection and points out two or three german sausages to the queen, the last one being a long thick log of a sausage.

the queen stares at the huge sausage and begins to salivate then eagerly says "I'll have some of the big one please!"

The deli master picks up the sausage and turns his back to the queen while he places the sausage on the meat slicer. Just as he is about to run the sausage through the slicer the queen screeches at the top of her voice...

"HEAR! what do think i am? A fuckin money box?"

sorry! mind you, i laughed so much i nearly paid my overdraft off tee hee

ciao babies

ab
xxxxxxx

[tightass]

Which is the odd one out?

a chocolate biscuit; a gay man; a glass of milk, a cup of bovril.

A glass of milk cos all the rest leave a brown ring around your mouth!

Al

[Belra]

Two men having sex and when they finish one says "i'm going to do some shopping... do NOT av a w ::)nk while im gone, save yourself for when i return!" so of he goes does his shopping and returns to their home. Opens the door and finds a c :om stain on the wall... he starts to scream and ball "i thought i told you not to play with your self while i has out!!!"
His lover replies "I never i never i swear i just farted"

;D Cheap and nasty but i'm sure you'll forgive me ;D

[Ouija]

Okay firstly, hi all - I've just lost my ngs virginity...

So, you want some jokes, right?

Have you heard about the new Nike trainer just released, specifically for lesbians? It's called the Nike Dyke, has an extra long tongue and you can get it off with one finger.

(That's all I could think of for now...!)

Ouija.