THE NON-GAY JOKES THREAD

[geordieboi]

[glow=blue,2,300]Come on then, let's hear 'em...[/glow]

[jackanory]

A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as different emotions e.g. fear etc.
On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted
on his chest.

He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit. What emotion have
you come as?"

And the guy says,"I'm green with NV".

The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."


A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to
see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather duster wrapped around her most intimate parts.

He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit. What emotion have you come as?"

She replies, "I'm tickled pink."

The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host
opens the door to see his two Irish mates, Paddy and Mick, standing stark naked, one with his dick in a bowl of custard, and the other with his dick stuck in a pear.

The host is really shocked and says, "Well, what the hell are you both
doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street
like that! What emotions are you supposed to be?"

Paddy replies, "Well, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come in
despair"

[geordieboi]

George Best's son has became a millionaire.
He took all the empties back!

[combatmikieuk]

Right Ricky Jivase time
ment to meet a friend in't Eagle last night, told him when a crab gets pissed it walks forwars.

A wekk later he came to the pub, I said Aida, whats up? He smuggly said, you lied, it doesnt move.

sorry that was bad, I know

[badonf]

Oh Ok I Got This Off A Mate.... Why doesnt the queen wave with this hand *waves my hand* u say whys that then i say because its mine silly

[dazza190574]

A farmer walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading.

The farmer says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache".

Wife says, "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."

The farmer says, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

[geordieboi]

lol@dazza! nice one!

[skippy]

nice 1 dazza

[lee23]

Why did Nivea Cream? Because Max Factor!

[badpup]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a

visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether

or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a

teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to

empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the

bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want

a bed near the window?"

[badpup]

A man got a job as a zookeeper, on his first day at the zoo he was walking past the aviary when he saw a beautiful finch. He reached into the cage and caught the bird to give it a stroke. Unfortunately he squeezed too hard and killed the bird. In a panic he threw the dead bird into the lions cage to get rid of the evidence. As he was walking away he accidentally knocked over the Bee hive exhibit. The hive crashed to the ground and the bees began to swarm out. In a panic he stomped all over the hive and killed the bees then threw the lot over the wall into the lions cage. As he walked past the Monkey cage he turned to see all the monkeys taking the Mickey out of him. He flew into a rage and entered the monkey cage and punched the first monkey he saw, killing him outright. In a panic now he also threw the monkey's body over into the lions cage.
The next day the zoo introduced a new lion to the lion enclosure. The lion walked up to the leader of the pack an old and wise lion and said "Hi mate, I'm new, just got here from Africa, what's this place like then?"
"It's all right here mate" said the old lion. "What's the food like then?" said the newcomer.
"Not too bad" said the old lion "Last night I had finch, chimps and mushy bees!"

[badpup]

What does the Starship Enterprise and toilet roll have in common?



The both go round Uranus looking for Klingons.

[badpup]

God is chatting to his mates and says: 'I've just created both light AND dark and put them in an alternating pattern over 24 hours.' 'What are you going to do now?' asks his mate. 'Call it a day'.



Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

[badpup]

Ok getting bad now, this one'ss from my mother.....

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?". The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties". The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie". The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?" The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it". "Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie". The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves....

.....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you" To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house". The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous" The rabbit says, "Yes I know". The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead" The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it". The barman said "You never came back, what happened?"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"NO!" said the barman,"what from".
After a short pause. The rabbit said...









"Mixin'-me-toasties".